We used to follow Freud in thinking that we needed, and that there was, an explanation for homosexuality. This involved something going wrong in family dynamics. To this day, some people think they can heal the "damage" (partially -- most reparative therapy groups I know of admit that the best they can do is help people "struggle" against their desires) by therapies that supposedly build or rebuild the broken connections leading to the sexual "inversion".
Nowadays many of us think it's nobody's business if you're queer or straight, that it just is what it is and that's that.
In light of this, how is it somehow "cordoning off" your BDSM sexuality to shrug and say "Who cares why?" Why is it irresponsible to do so?
As far as I can tell, our best explanations for what "causes" BDSM are going to be as disconnected with reality as Freud's theories were.
When I refuse to engage with that question as presented I am not refusing to be thoughtful. I am refusing to accept the assertion that my sexuality is not orientational, and that it needs explaining.
WHAT CAUSES VANILLA?
How long have you been vanilla?
Are you sure that you're not simply too nervous to submit or dominate because past traumas make you too nervous to relate to others on a truly intimate level?
Have you ever really examined your vanilla desires?
The vast majority of sexuality depicted in the media is vanilla. Are you sure your desires now don't stem from not seeing alternate models much in the media?
How can you experience true intimacy with someone if you're afraid to share erotic pain with them? Aren't you missing something?
It's really a shame that our screwed up vanilla-normative society ruined you like that.
Oh, I'm not telling you what to DO. I'd never do that. But it's such a shame that you HAVE to.
Oh, I've been involved in some vanilla things myself, but I'm better than the rest because I realize that when the SMers say we should question, they're right! I try not to get too involved.
I'm not trying to diss those who want to create egalitarian relationships for themselves, but it's so played out and socially normative. I'm going to go create my own communities wherein we strive to create truly hierarchical relationships. It really saddens me to see people stuck invested in the same old eroticization of sameness.
When people tell me that I'm just saying all of this because my own proclivities are sadomasochistic it makes me so SAD. Don't they see that this is BIGGER THAN THE PERSONAL?
Even I have vanilla fantasies now and then. It's impossible not to in a society like this one. I'm not the enemy!