Sorry this is so long, but I'm really glad that someone posted about this because I have a few things that I want to get off my chest.

I recently (accidentally, while he was sitting next to me at the computer) found evidence of my boyfriend's porn use. I guess I should clarify an important point so no one gets angry at me first:

I personally don't like porn for a number of reasons but I realize that it's really none of my business if other people star in it or look at it (as long as no one gets hurt, I guess).

So I'm not trying to be the porn police here. I tried not to think about my boyfriend's possible porn use because frankly, the thought disgusted me and I didn't feel like it was my business. I never asked him about it or went looking for it.

That said, when I did find evidence of it and he admitted to looking at it, I was devastated. I was so ashamed of my own body as it compared to the unrealistic porn actresses' bodies that I didn't even want to shower because it meant that I would have to see my own naked body. The thought of him pretending to fuck other women made me cry, made me feel like I wasn't good enough and that he had to fantasize about others to be able to stay with me.

I know that those thoughts are unreasonable. I know that for most people porn and reality are two very separate things. But I can't get over it. I'm not a bad person. I'm not crazy, I am not sex-negative, and I am not a bad feminist. I am not trying to regulate other people's actions or beliefs. I guess you could call it a personal problem, and it doesn't seem likely to change.

What hurt me the most about my boyfriend's porn use is that he went out of his way to make it seem like he didn't do it. Like I said, I never asked him about it, I even told him that I'd rather not know. He almost always agrees with me when I point out examples of sexism, blatant objectification, and body shaming in the media and often points it out himself. I would have felt less betrayed if he had disagreed with me (or even just kept quiet if that would have embarrassed him) instead of going out of his way to make me think the opposite. That made it feel like a lie instead of just a secret habit.

I didn't ask my boyfriend to stop looking at porn. In fact, I actually told him that he should keep doing it (as long as I didn't have to see it). But when he saw how upset I got and how much of a hit my self-esteem took he told me he would stop looking at it. He said he didn't need it, and I'm sure that if he DID need it like some people seem to do then we would be in a very different situation. He said it was just a habit he started when he was a teen and that he never questioned it. He did say that he knew that it would upset me but he did it anyway, which makes me feel crappy, but whatever.

We even talked about the aspects of porn that concerned feminism and the treatment of women. He admitted that he knew that the women he masturbated to were just objects to him. He told me that he didn’t want to be that kind of person anymore, and I admire that but I know that I don’t have a right to expect it.